I’ve been thinking about my New Year’s Resolution and I’ve decided, no computer time after 6:00 pm!

Now I could tell a big ‘ole fib and say I’m writing this during the day but you and I both know it’s midnight and I’m sitting here with my computer in my lap.  I’m not technically breaking my resolution though because using my computer to write an actual article doesn’t count – you know, just like eating a Snickers bar doesn’t count if you have a Diet Coke with it.

So before you make your resolutions I wanted to let you know that there are things that count and things that don’t count and, as it turns out, there’s a whole lot of things that don’t count for much.  Here’s my top ten.  Feel free to keep adding to the list.

1. If you’re a knitter you can resolve to not buy any more yarn and still buy cashmere because well, cashmere doesn’t count.
2. If you resolve to lose weight by cutting out snacks you should know that sandwiches don’t count if you eat them over the sink.  Neither does food that you eat out of the pan when you’re cleaning up the dishes.
3. Spreading office gossip absolutely doesn’t count if the person you’re talking about has dated your sister.
4. Two stepping with someone other than your spouse doesn’t count if you don’t tell them your real name.
5. Margaritas don’t count if you drink them alone.
6. This is probably only good in Texas but speeding doesn’t count if there’s a yellow jacket in your car.  When the cop pulls you over just jump out of the car screaming and batting your hair yelling, yellow jacket and any cop worthy of a badge will let you off.  Of course if you’ve been drinking margaritas you should just shut up and pay the fine.
7. Sleeping in when you resolved to get up early and run five miles doesn’t count if you ate a green vegetable the day before or a protein bar wrapped in a picture of a polar bear.
8. Not paying your rent doesn’t count as long as you spent the money on red shoes, even if they hurt your feet, because spending money on red shoes never counts.
9. Stealing valium from your mama doesn’t count if she’s the reason you need it.  Same goes for your child’s Ritalin, your spouse’s muscle relaxant, your dad’s Jack Daniels.
10. Having sex with your ex one more time doesn’t count because everyone does it and it’s never any good anyway.
11. If you resolve to give up television and then spend an entire Saturday watching the Twilight Zone marathon it doesn’t count because some things are just beyond counting.

Okay so that was eleven things instead of ten but it’s totally okay because one of them doesn’t count.